Silly Dreams! Clever Needs!

I was so much in deep sleep perhaps I had been snoring at that while. Suddenly I felt heavy breathe and then clogging chest!! I threw away my blanket and sprung out of my bed in the fear... It took decently one minute to realize that it was a nightmare!

Yes a nightmare... tragically fallen true to my life...!!

        'saahh!' I bobbed my head 'I took two hours in bed by chipping my eyes to force sleep my self, but such dreams often ruins it'

I pushed off from my bedroom figured out where I had kept the packets of cigarette, my friends hide it from me to stop me of becoming chain smoker.

out at the balcony, the rubbing effect of match stick with that phosphorus coated box sounded more then usual and the spark light thereby created the illusion of some photo flash. Loath of smoke then dismantled the beauty of this peaceful night view. Smoke coming out of my mouth is sketching the same picture I saw in the dream. It is a mental canvas though so real that it dragged me to my past!!! 

That first ride on camel with her, behind her.... I was afraid to fell down but feared to hold the booth of the saddle because by doing this I may touch her body part which in turn can upset her. Camel stood up with its quaking hump. She got to feel that I may fall but I am not holding the booth. 

     "Hold it Aman... I will not mind..." her eyes were so glossy and lovely on that day... 

     "But... their are a lot of people around..." My face was depicting the true feeling of fall down and not to touch her in public that too at this very first meeting with her. 

      "It's OK" she took my hands and through her waist I beholden the booth tightly. It gave me two kind of satisfaction... first, I am safe now and second, now even she is also safe in my arms!! and yes, being so close to her blasted my cardiac chambers like any thing. 

Good memories often moisten your eyes but in this dark balcony who notices that your face is drafted by  child's pencil. I took steep puff

 'I must begin to hate her, in order to stay away from her....' I confirmed this in my mind and like the most obedient slave, my brain plugged the memories of a train journey! When I dared to go intimate with her assuring that every other passengers are sleeping but they were not. Realizing this she turned chillingly red to me and chided on me in murmuring voice. I exhibited that I am sorry of not knowing that someone may notice it but she was more then enraged and out of control she threw away her finger ring

   'you don't love Aman, you just meant that thing with me' her eyes were like fountain and my face like of some goat about to be guened from head.

I swiftly sprang up to find back the ring she threw away in anger. It wasn't costly, I bought it for her in Rs.20/- ...but for me. It was the first gift, I ever bought for anyone from my first salary. I had to save money for my family and my education loan so was unable to gift her anything of gold or diamond but she too were never demanding for all that stuff.   

ah! sad memories make you smile as a token of thanks that it is all over now.... but it brings you back to the present. A present which has nothing to be like present... when you don't feel like combing your hairs or shave beards or make tomorrows dress pairs ready. A present, when if someones asks you 'how you manage to remain so much happy all the times?' and you force bolt out a dry smile to respond '... because it is my duty to remain happy!" 

I took another deep puff and offloaded the smoke so that the light effect twinkling far away at the mountain top turn fade. A clash of mental worriers took off the sword... 'I must hate her to forget her' I started reciting this to keep my heart beat below normal... breathes start growing in the quest of knowing "HOW???" and eyes sprinkled dew drops. I am barely able to stand or rather withstand this situation. 

After a lot of tears, cigarettes and thoughts I reconciled myself "Farah! I know you were never wrong... I know it was due since we met! I know 'You loved me more than anyone in the world till time allowed you to walk by your souls desire...' 

Oh God! Please don't offend her for my condition... Please forgive her because she never wanted to leave me.. I know she is in more pathetic condition then me! being a boy of Indian social system... I can manage to fight with the society and walk ahead alone with my love for her till I am alive... but she cannot do this... she is the proclaimed honor of her family.... she has to withstand the expectations of her family!!!

I looked towards the east:::: Sun has announced his re-visit to my dominion, I have to host him for 12 hours or more. I know, morning will be all fine... day will all go in fun with the supreme bunch of friends, god has graced to me... I know I have many commitments with the Humanity, with the Nation and with those who are dying because of hunger and slavery of ignorance... I know my mission of life... I know, their is nothing new happened to me. I sometimes hate myself because I know everything that requires to be happy and smiling but beyond every knowledge I gathered... beyond every hard heartening realities.... beneath my dry lips... in my blood red eyes... a fear jolts me... i.e. NIGHT WILL AGAIN COME!!! oh God, how long??? How long do I have to walk to get dissolved in the eternity of my destiny!!!

From now forever, oh my soul!

manage, just manage to walk alone 

Fogs were those for just a while
Memories are your only demon!! 

From now, forever.. oh my soul!!

Manage... just mange to walk alone!!! 

uhhhmmmmm oh soul...........!!